B.T.S. in its very early days. From left to right: Simon (banjo/ukulele), Johnny "Sticks and Stones" MacDuff (washboards, he ended up touring with Van Halen for a few summers then releasing a solo album), Harvey Johnson (he used to hit old ladies with the saxophone for fun, never really played anything; he's a senator now), Steve "shine your shoes for a nickel" Crackenmeyer (piano and occasional juice harp, he ended up joining a cult and killing the former president of the Planter's Peanut Corporation), Woodrow "meatloaf is against my religion" Farnesworth (violin, we kicked him out of the band after he came in drunk off his ass howling about how we were stifling his creativity; he ended up in the London Philharmonic Orchestra), Frank Frankfort (drums, he quit during the depression and opened up a barber shop; he was killed during World War II... not in the war, he got hit by a bus in San Francisco), and Zach (I have no idea what he played, I think we just kept him around for that moustache).

About the Band

A musical trio of questionable talent and sanity, BTS was created on a whim by Zach "I'm not hiding in your bushes, I just dropped a quarter" Salcich and Simon "Most likely to get breast implants by age thirty" Waehner. Their idea was simple and beautiful: genetically engineer a half man half camel beast which could trek across desert terrain without much need for water, and would also look really really cool. That didn't work out, so they decided to become a ukulele metal band. After producing one song, it became apparent that their talent, while godlike, simply would not do without a third member. So the exhaustive search began.... they searched the far corners of the world, trying to find a bass player who could measure up to their immense talent and sex appeal. Finally they found Amber, and the band was formed, with one credo: Piss off the general public as much as humanly possible. And that they will.